I am going to my first support group meeting tonight.  I am not sure what to expect.  I am scared..scared of opening up, not opening up.  Scared of what emotions are going to come out.  I am hoping it might be easier to talk to total strangers than to talk to people I know.  Sometimes I feel guilty venting to family/friends because I know they are still grieving too.  I guess we will see what happens tonight…

Empty and Angry

Coming up on 6 months since you have gone.  It seems like it has been so much longer.  I miss you so much Nicole.  I am so lonely without you.  I rarely leave the house.  I don’t talk to anyone.  I barely sleep or eat.  I have these vivid dreams of you that are so real, and when I wake up I just breakdown, it’s like getting punched in the gut all over again.  There are some days I just sit and stare at my computer screen for hours because nothing makes sense.  I try to take care of the kids the best that I can, my mom and melody help so much with the kids I am so grateful as I don’t know what I would do without them.  Robert is doing surprisingly well, it’s almost scary.  Dixie on the other had cries for you all the time.

I am so angry Nicole.  Angry and disappointed with myself that I didn’t push you or make you go to the hospital and stay there until we figured out what was going on.  But the thing that hurts the most right now is that I am angry at God.  So angry that I haven’t opened my bible or prayed in over a month.  Out of all the people in the world he could of taken he had to take you.  I am so sick of hearing about his plan on his time.   What about my plan?  I wanted to spend the rest of MY life with you.  I wanted to experience so many things life has to offer, WITH you not by myself.  I can’t understand why he would take you away from Robert and Dixie.

I don’t know who I am without you.  I don’t know what to do with  my life now that you are gone.  I take care of the kids as much as I can and then I have nothing left for myself.  I get no enjoyment out of anything anymore.  Everything reminds me of you.  Every once and awhile I will read or see something interesting or something I know you would of loved and it breaks my heart that your not here for me to share it with you.

Life isn’t the same without you…I’m not the same without you, I am empty and broken inside.

I want my best friend back…

I miss having you to talk to.  I am starting to realize how much I relied on you just to make it through the day.  I have people I can talk to but it isn’t the same.  I could tell you everything, anything.  And I knew you would never judge me.  You knew exactly when to give advice and when to just listen.  And when you said everything was going to be okay I believed it.

Bringing you home

At the hospital I chose not to say goodbye to you.  I didn’t want to remember you with tubes and wires attached to you everywhere.  I remember when grandma died and I went in to say my final goodbye to her.  The look on her face still haunts me to this day when my mind does to a dark place.  I wanted to remember your smile, your snorting laugh, your thumb sucking (sorry to out you to everyone) while you snuggled your head in the crook of my shoulder.  But now I regret not being able to say that final goodbye, not seeing your face or holding your hand one last time.  These last few weeks have seem surreal, until you mom brought in the urn and then I knew it was for real.  When I saw your name on the box I felt like I couldn’t breathe, the room started to spin and I broke down in utter grief.

Learning to Grieve

My dearest Nicole,

You once talked to me about a friend that lost her husband and wrote letters to him to deal
with her grief. I thought I might give it a try since I am having such a hard time these
past 2 days.

I know you are looking down on me and everything I write you already see but I need to say
these things outloud to help me grieve. I haven’t slept much, maybe 3 or 4 hours a night. At
first I was scared to sleep because I didn’t want to dream of you knowing I would wake up
with a broken heart all over again.

Last night was the first night I dreamt of you. It was just a normal day of kids running
around, shopping and watching our favorite shows. And then I woke up. To an empty bedroom,
an empty bed and an broken heart. Today has been the hardest for me so far, I have cried
almost all day.

I know you want me to be strong for the kids so I can take care of them. I feel like I am
leaning to much on my mom, I can tell she is getting exhausted. But I can’t focus on the
now. The one day at a time isn’t working for me. Everything I see reminds me of what you
will miss. Thinks the kids do or will do that you won’t be here for. And I break down.
Everyone tells me it’s normal and it’s still so soon I need to give myself time. But I know
the kids need me now.

Dixie…I don’t know what to say about her. She is being so mean to me. She doesn’t want
anything to do with me during the day, and hardly leaves my mom’s side. I don’t know if this
is her way of grieving and missing you and needing that motherly presence, or if she doesn’t
want to be around me because I am sad all the time.

Robert is being so brave. He has only had maybe 3 melt downs. He always comforts me when he
see’s me sad. Aunt Candi bought Robert a scooter, he hopped on it and rode it like a champ.
He loves it, you would be so proud of him. I know you are proud of him.

You always told me it would be the things I didn’t say that I would regret not the things I
did say. I wish I would of told you I loved you more. I wish I would of told you how much
you meant to me, what an amazing person, what an awesome mom, how much I appreciated
everything you did for me without me ever having to ask you. I feel like I took you for
granted way to much.

I pulled a you the other day and did some impulse shopping to try and get my mind off things
for awhile. Finally replaced our piece of crap speakers that we kept saying we would replace
next payday but never did. Bought a new keyboard since you ruined the other one by spilling
everything known to man on it ;P Also bought the gaming mouse I have been wanting and
upgraded the ram in my desktop finally.

Kim did something today that I really have no words to express how much it touches my heart
and means to me, and what it would mean to you if it actually works out. She contacted the
creator of Californicaion through Facebook and Twitter and asked them if they could in anyway
put a small dedication to you in the credits of the season finale when it airs on April 7th.

It’s a little after 11, Dixie has finally fallen asleep. I think I will watch and episode of
True Blood in your honor and try and lay down and get some rest.